The Journey

Just when I thought my life was getting boring...

2005-11-10T20:54:00.000-05:00

Tired....

2005-11-09T19:47:00.000-05:00

...of work
...of dishes
...of paying bills
...of caring
...of ironing my fucking clothes every day
...of having to function after work..I just want to relax in sweats
...of eating take out
...of having dreams get delayed
...of the dirtbags I am surrounded by
...of waiting
...of turning the lights off
...of having to get up as soon as I sit down
...of wondering what the truth is
...of being there for everyone
...of no one being there for me
...of having to be the strong one
...of accomodating
...of typing

No idea what I am doing.

2005-11-04T07:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I can do anything, I can handle anything. Right now, I don't.

I just realized something, with all the life experience I do have, I have very little in the area of relationships and love.

My 2 most serious relationships occured before I was ever legal to drink. My high school boyfriend whose heart I broke, and my daughters father, who I should have never been with to begin with.

After those 2, I went on hiatus, and when I returned I dated a lot. Met lots of men, but no one I ever really cared for much. I jumped out of every budding relationship before it got too serious. For good reason, with no regrets.

So, I reached a point with MF where I don't know what to do next. I don't know where to turn, what to say...or how to proceed.

We finished off the initial honeymoon stage, and settled into something of normalcy. That's great to a point, but I guess I wouldn't have minded staying googoo eyed a bit longer.

Now come the serious questions...why are we here? where are we going? are we headed in the same direction?

While our current comfort status is nice, I have this strong need to know about our future. Maybe it's hormonal...lol...being a female and all, and I have tried to fight it off, but I can't. I find myself getting angry that he can't read my mind.

So I always try to separate myself from a situation and look into it as a third person. What would I tell a friend if she came to me with the same issue?

I would say that there was nothing to worry about. Look at the big picture...if he didn't see a future with you, he would have never gotten you involved with his kids, introduced you to his ex-wife, PAID FOR YOUR KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY! (for no reason, I had the money)...he wouldn't be making a clear attempt to bond with your child...or inviting you to his family for thanksgiving...

There are so many signs that there is a future for us, but we haven't spoken any words. Sure, we both make references to the future, but nothing solid.

I feel like I need that something solid. Not a promise, or a schedule, just a knowledge that the desire is there.

Just for the record, I am not talking marriage here...I myself am not ready for that, although he is the only person I have ever allowed my mind to wonder about in that capacity....

I just need to know. Why is it when a girl brings this subject up it's like taboo. Like they are insecure or needy. It's not that. I am genuinely in love with this man. I can see myself spending forever with him, but I need to know that the feeling is mutual, because if it isn't, continuing on to figure that out could be devastating...how much deeper should I let myself go if I am only going to drown?

What should I do? I can't do the email thing, I need to talk to him, there is just never a right time, or place....and I get so scared...my heart pounds, my breath gets uneasy...I fear the worst...and I dont think I should...someone...please...help me....

Which dialect do you speak?

2005-11-01T18:29:00.000-05:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English

40% Yankee

15% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

I liked this one better than the Yankee/Dixie one most of us have seen before...this was right on point with me...

Halloween 2005

2005-10-31T18:56:00.000-05:00

Glad it's over with for another 12 months.

Friends come and go...or just go?

2005-10-30T08:01:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I was blessed with a group of great girlfriends. I thought I was the richest person in the world to be surrounded by such a great group of friends.

So, why is it that today...if I want a night out with the girls there is no one left to call on? We have all gone our separate ways. We still keep in touch, but we are no longer a group, and all have responsibilities that prevent us from getting together any more.

There was myself, G, CH, and K for the most part, with a few others that lingered.

K moved to FL with a psycho boyfriend, ended up leaving him and moved to Vegas where she is living up the single life as a gorgeous blond.

G was a single mother like myself. We used to live across the street from each other, and it was perfect. We even worked together. Our daughters played, and by night it was Corona and wings on the porch with lots of BS talk going on. We would party our asses off together. The night always ended with the 2 of us drunk as shit, me picking her up off the dance floor and someone always got hurt...the stories will last forever. G found a 'man' and got married. I think she jumped into it because she was becoming bored and tired of the single life. They moved to the next town, and she had another baby. We still talk but have little left in common.

CH is my bestest friend in the world, and we couldn't be more different. CH grew up in a very strict Christian church. They have never had TV in their house, and you will never hear from her on a Sunday. She is a yr younger than me, and is still a virgin, and will be until marriage. However there is a lack of young, responsible, intelligent and fun people in this world, so when we met, we clicked. That was about 5 yrs ago.

She's still around, but isn't exactly the type to party with....what about just a cocktail and BS? She is great for that except...she has this boyfriend...who does not allow her to do anything. I mean, he does...but he will whine and cry and bitch about it for weeks after the fact. So, she has reserved herself to not doing anything without him. It sucks.

Then there is me. I think I am pretty much the same as always. I grew up some, and got a better job...but I can still have fun. I love MF...but sometimes, you need your girlfriends. Like today...I wish I had someone around to help me with my daughters party. Its just me this morning. MF had stuff to do, and he has to go get his kids. CH is in church...and no one else is left. I'm lonely and feeling bad for myself this a.m.

So...just go meet more friends right? Yeah...not that easy. That's probably largely my fault. I don't tolerate ignorance or lack of responsibility well. I have a hard time getting along with people who aren't like me. Which is most of the 20-something population.

That is probably why I am with a man 10 yrs my senior. I grew up too quick.

So make older friends! Not that easy either...older people...specifically those in their 30's are not quick to respect me. They have got to get to know me first. So that means they have to give me a chance. It also means I am quickly put on the defensive with new people.

This is not a new problem for me. It's been like this for a long time now. Try being a 24 yr old girl, and inspecting and critiquing the work of a man who's been in construction since I was a kid. Try going to a PTA meeting where they look at you like shit. Actually, the worst is when they ignore you...like you are not worthy of being there. What do I have in common with a bunch of married housewifes anyway...

Kate once mentioned that they look at her like that because she is single she wants to fuck their husbands...lol...I never thought of it this way...but is that what it is???

So...I need some new girlfriends...and don't know where to look anymore. Maybe I need to be more open minded about things, or get married and become a housewife to bond with the large majority.

God help me...

I need some new goals.

2005-10-29T11:30:00.000-04:00

Life is full of challenges, and without them, it's boring.

Every now and then I accomplish everything on my list, and instead of feeling contented, I feel lost. I have been feeling that way a lot lately.

I know what I need to do next. I need to save some money, finish doing some things around my home, and hopefully get out of here within the next 3 years. I don't want to go far, but I have got to get my daughter out of this school district. It's sad, because this is where I went to school, so I am rooted here, but the district is just becoming such a mess. On top of it the quality of people here is only getting worse. I'm not real happy about the kids my daughter is in school with.

I also want to give her a home with a yard, and a safe place to play...while she's still young enough to play. Currently I own a condo. It's a nice place, but not where I want to live forever. It's more of an investment. There are some things going on here that have to potential to make me a min. of 50k on this place within the next few yrs. That will help big time when I try to buy a house. Worse case scenario I could rent this out for a while, and make a few bucks a month.

I don't really know what to do now though. What will appease me until then? Then there is the big question as to what is going to happen with MF. There is a good chance that by then, he and I will be living together. We haven't discussed it, and I don't really think it's time to discuss it yet. All in time.

So now that I just typed that all out...I'm feeling lost. I need a plan.

I'm going to scribble on some paper and see if I can make any sense of this...

End of Story.

2005-10-27T19:22:00.000-04:00

So, I think I have the best kid in the world.

She sure isn't perfect, but none are, and I count my lucky stars I have such a great one.

You see...that's what I'm talkin' about..."count my lucky stars" WTF! When did I start saying things like this? "End of story" is something else I'm saying to my kid lately..."because I'm your mother"

When...I ask...did I....become my mother????

OMG help me....my mother is nuts...is this where I am headed...please god...tell me no...please...

---------------------------------------------

My first HNT was fun today...wonder if my Mom ever did that? I sure hope not...

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Tomorrow is Shae's birthday.....I cannot wait to give her her gifts.....she has no idea what's coming, and she is gonna love 'em.....

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I hate Halloween.

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dbdy dbdy dbdy dbdy That's all Folks!

My first HNT! - MY HAND

2005-10-26T20:21:00.000-04:00

People always comment on my hands, so I figured...why not???~
I know it's not Halloween themed...but it will do I suppose...

RSVP

2005-10-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

No folks...thats no Acro for you to play with...

I mean it R S V FUCKING P!

My daughter must have taken 16 fucking invitations to school for her birthday party this weekend. How many RSVP's have I gotten?

0.

Not one fucking RSVP. Does that mean that my child is some sort of outcast at school? No! I am sure that at least 1/2 of them will show....well you know what....fuck them.

I am only buying 8 goody bags, the kids nearest and dearest to me, whom I know personally and who have RSVP'd , will get the bags first, when I'm out, I'm out. Fuck you.

Would you ever show to a party you didnt RSVP to? I have got to get out of this town....

So, I'm probably about the coolest girlfriend ever...

2005-10-23T09:39:00.000-04:00

Pulled a string, made a call...and got MF an authentic Derek Jeter signed baseball...

I made the call about a month ago and forgot about it...found out the other day that I got it...

Surprised MF with it yesterday...how fucking cool am I? I so could have kept it for myself...and in the past I would have...

There's that new selfless side of me that has revealed itself this year...

He has given me many gifts for no reason, and although I cannot compete with him on a financial level, it felt so fucking good to give him this (and I paid nothing for it).

The worst experience of my life...and my karma

2005-10-20T16:10:00.000-04:00

The worst thing that ever happened to me is now 7 yrs in the past. I have conveniently detatched myself from the situation, and had just about forgotten about it, until today.

For some reason, as I stood outside of work today smoking a cigarette, looking over at the insipid county building across the street, everything came back to me.

Over 8 yrs ago, I was a junior in High School. I had been through my rebellious days, and was just beginning to calm down a bit. I was honor roll, but no angel by any means. I had gotten my first car not a yr earlier. I was free.

A good friend of mine, we'll call her MK had gotten her license the same day as I. We actually were on the road taking our road tests at the same exact time. However, by February, when this all took place, she had had her license suspended. She did a stupid thing. A man on a bike hit the rear of her car on the way down a hill. She was not at fault by any means, but as a scared 16 yr old, she left the scene, and never reported it. This guy hit his head so hard on the pavement, that he ended up dying. Leaving the scene of an accident with a fatality is a felony.

MK was ripped apart in the local paper. She was called many things. Lies were printed. It was horrible. After the state had her car for over 6 months, it was ruled that she did nothing to cause the accident, and the outcome of this man's life could not have been changed had she stopped. She was charged with the appropriate crime, and sentenced to 5 yrs probation, and forever has a felony on her record.

During the case, she was harrased badly in school. One girl in particular would throw her into lockers repeatedly. A girl that MK could have easily crushed, but couldn't lift a finger because of all the legal and media attention she was experiencing.

I was pissed. Stupid girl would have never had the balls had MK not been restricted in her own defense. One day myself and 3 friends were in my car. We saw stupid girl driving, so I pulled a u-turn and followed her. She got out at a local diner.

I parked, got out and began to ask her what she had been fucking with MK. She was walking away saying something stupid girls say. I asked her not to walk away as I was talking to her, and next thing I know a chunk of her ratty hair was in my left hand and my right fist continued to bare down on her head. By the time I realized she wasn't fighting back, I let go. She ran away screaming at MK that she was going to pay for this...um...ok..What the fuck did MK do?

Adrenaline pumping I went home. A week later I receive a summons to go to court for a minor violation of disordly conduct. Fuck, that bitch! MK received one also...what the fuck did MK do?

So we go...and stupid girl apparently claimed that she had seen a 2nd pair of shoes while she was being hit. Double vision I presume.

The DA wanted MK so bad that he UPPED the charges to misdemeanor assault. For those of you who are not familiar with real life court, it's nearly unheard of for charges to be raised, they are typically lowered.

I was forced to plead not guilty to bring this to trial so that MK would be acquitted. She had enough on her plate. So we did. We went to trial. Stupid girl testified first, and could not say who the 2nd pair of shoes belonged to. She had no witnesses, so by the end of her testimony the judge dropped all charges brought against MK.

I then changed my plea to guilty.

Mind you, shortly after this case began, I found out I was pregnant. Throughout the trial, my belly is growing, and growing.

Well, the DA couldn't have MK...so he was going after me. He requested I be sentenced to 6 months of 12 weekend splits, which meant that I would go to jail every other weekend for 6 months.

I was shocked! I had watched girls in High School tie locks to handkerchiefs and beat girls with them...and not get so much as probation and they wanted me in jail????

At my sentencing, the bastard judge looked at me and said "You are an unwed mother, you are not in school..." He never mentioned the fight.

I thought I was being sentenced for a crime, not my free choices in my life...

We fought the sentencing and I ended up doing 4 straight weekends and 3 yrs probation. Just so you all understand that means 4 strip searches, and 4 goodbyes to my baby. I was a liability to the jail at nine months pregnant, so they initially rejected me.

When my daughter was 3 months old, I was forced to serve my time. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. I was locked in a cell, because I was still considered a minor. I laid on that bed and swore I heard my baby screaming. I kept looking out the grimy 8"x8" window to see if there was a baby out there. Twice a day I was let out to make calls. My father fought with some higher ups and arranged for me to be brought to the infirmary every 3 hours to pump breast milk. They hated me so bad. I hated them just as much. That jail was a building full of disease, and grime, and filth...it was so fucking bad.

It's way in my past now, and very few people know about it. My daughter will never know. The building that was the jail was torn down a few yrs later. Sometimes my work takes me by the site where is once stood. The site is contaminated. There was a crawlspace under the building and when the sanitary lines were clogged, the CO's just knocked on the traps till they broke off. So...the inmates were shitting into the crawlspace...real fucking nice...I just sit and stare...

I did my probation, and haven't really thought about it since.

Two yrs ago, I began designing houses. The judge who had sentenced me had retained our firm. The job was not mine, but nonetheless ended up on my desk for tweaking. Turns out he has MS and needs and accessible home for his wheelchair. I was pleased to draw his ramp for him....that's karma...

Needless to say, I have not fought anyone since. People have big fucking balls until they are puking with a concussion...It would take a lot today.

MK and I don't talk anymore. She went a little crazy on me last yr, and our friendship ended...so...where has your life brought you? What was your worst experience?

Hmmm...never thought of myself as a little black boy...

2005-10-20T12:39:00.000-04:00

You are Franklin!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Addiction Wednesday

2005-10-19T12:38:00.000-04:00

Please head over to Kate's blog and play with us

Nothing like it in the world...

2005-10-16T12:04:00.000-04:00

There is nothing like seeing your design get built.

Check out one of my most recent designs in it's early construction stage.

That house, along with many others that I have designed will be around longer than I will. There's something to be said for leaving your mark on the world.

Actually, there is nothing to be said, I can't put this feeling into words.

This particular house I designed for one of the engineers in my firm. I am going to make a few more trips out to it during construction. (Not far from where you live Phil) I'll post more pictures as it progresses.

Almost died last night...

2005-10-13T13:03:00.000-04:00

I can't even put what happened to me last night into words, you wouldn't understand...but let's just say that excessive amounts of rain + driving in the very dark night + bridge + river - flares + really big truck coming in the other direction = potential disaster.

Had I been able to see my face after I survived it, I am sure it would have been white as a ghost. Crazies jaw rested on the floor for the next mile...

My darling manfriend decided to call and warn me of the overflowing river about 6 minutes after my near death experience. "Yes dear...thanks..I'm in your driveway....and dont want to talk about the fucking river."

I knew I loved him for some reason....ppfffffff....

Remember the last post?...remember the "I hate driving" thing?...it stands...a little more firm today...

I'm the kind of girl who...

2005-10-11T18:47:00.000-04:00

Inspired here.

...will only wear makeup if no one can tell I'm wearing it.
...wants everyone to like me, but don't give a fuck if they don't.
...is most comfortable in jeans, nice boots, and a perfectly complimenting top.
...can't lie for her life.
...wants to compete with the boys, but doesn't want to break a nail.
...has a hard time accepting help.
...strives off compliments, but will never show it.
...will never have more kids.
...refuses to fail.
...takes everything as a learning experience, and is never a victim.
...owns more baseball hats than her manfriend.
...will completely lose my train of thought once I start talking.
...will tell you the same story over, and over again, until you are kind enough to bring it to my attention.
...appreciates the finer things in life, but only when I've worked for them.
...is completely content and happy with who she has become.
...never wears her heart on her sleeve.
...needs coffee in the morning.
...hates driving.
...does not tolerate ignorance well.
...enjoys cooking, when there is someone to share the result with.

This was fun...I may keep adding, thanks Kate.

Bye week.

2005-10-09T07:59:00.000-04:00

So, what to do during a bye week during football season? Bake Apple pie. (Note: still having that little p problem...Yoda...can you help here?)

The idea came from the fact that we were supposed to go apple picking, but got rained out. So now, we are just going to buy apples, and bake pies. Should be fun....give 3 kids peelers and knives...oh yeah lots of fun. I'll take pictures.

That's another thing relatioships do to you. Well, did to me. It has somewhat domesticated me. I was not all that into cooking before meeting MF. That didnt go over too well once I met his very Italian mother.

So one night, I decided to surspise him with homemade penne ala vodka (damn little p). It was so good. Since then I have made many more dishes, all of which have been a hit, and I actually enjoy cooking now. It's nice having someone to cook for though. Shae is still happy with chicken nuggets, and chef boyardee. In the past it was just she and I so a big meal was stupid.

So now, I cook, and will attempt baking. Wish me luck, I am the newest desperate housewife.

Lol...never happen.

I cut my hair. I had it really short for yrs, and have since let it grow back in. Yesterday, I went a little crazy and took 2" off, which was a lot more than I thought. Oh boy...MF is going to hate it. The longer the reigns...I mean hair...the better....oh well, that's what he gets for pissing me off...and not knowing it...oh my god, I'm a psycho girl now...

Off to the orchard...enjoy your days...

Expect the worst, hope for the best.

2005-10-08T09:21:00.000-04:00

I don't think it's going to stop raining for the next 9 days if the pregnant chics at the weather channel know what they are doing...they have ruined my apple picking plans...

I need help...I can't type a capital p. Every time I try to, windows media player pops up. Computer geniuses, please help, I fear I am offending phil each time I type his name...

I hate relationships. I always have. I know you have all read lots of mushy stuff about MF on here, but today, theres nothing mushy. Ok, a little maybe, but for the most part, I'm negative today. Maybe it's the rain.

Communication.

I hate communication. I hate it. I am so bad at saying what I feel. When, on the few occasions I have expressed myself, I stutter, tremble, and often leave the conversation feeling like nothing was accomplished. This is obviously not good for a relationship. Not healthy for me either. I end up internalizing all of my feelings and somehow being angry that he can't read my mind. WTF? am I really that much of a girl?

Guess so.

So lately, it seems MF and I have hit some kind of a comfort zone. Well, goddamit, I was not ready for comfort yet. I feel as though I am in constant competition with the rest of his life. His work, kids, friends, etc. Mostly his work. I want to be proud of and happy for him, but I end up becoming bitter about it, because I view his career as the enemy in this relationship. Holy shit, nail on the head. I love typing out my thoughts.

The biggest problem of all is that I dont say anything. I dont express my needs, or complaints. I dont want to sound needy, or whiny. The problem with that is, while I sit here stewing with resentment, he thinks our relationship is in tip top shape. Nothing will ever change this way.

The 2 people who know my concerns both tell me that I need to speak up about them. I know I do, but I dont want to do it in an attacking way....and when the fuck? I only see him at night, after work, and I am usually too tired to get into it.

I suck. I hate this. Life is so much simpler without relationships.

Hopefully, I can buy some of those Nueticals since growing balls is out of the question....

Been Tagged...

2005-10-07T08:22:00.000-04:00

Here are the rules:
1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence or close to it.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 other people to do the same.

"I love my lunch breaks."

Well that was kinda boring....but I do love them!

I tag...

Phil
Yoda
Toni - Who probably doesn't read my blog, but I enjoy hers...
Justin - Who occasionally drops bye
Chloe - Who also probably doesn't drop by often....but I enjoy her blog also...

I need to be more blogsocial....I'm gonna work on that....

Which desperate Housewife am I? (Stolen from Kate)

2005-10-07T08:16:00.000-04:00

Take the quiz: "Which desperate housewife are you?"

Bre
You make everything perfect but sometimes it backfires

This surprised me, but hey, the quiz has spoken!

Coming soon...my Tag responses...thanks to Liz!

Fuck the fucking world.

2005-10-05T18:55:00.000-04:00

My kid just told me I'm the worst Mom ever, MF is going to be late for dinner, Im considering not even cooking.

I am in such a bad mood, fuck everyone. I try so fucking hard for everyone...for what? Why do I care? I just want to care about me. As fucked up as I am, I dont fucking care, I am happy here in my own little world.

Sometimes, things just get to you ya know? I just want to be alone for a few days. No phone, no kid, no email...nothing. Alone, where no one can find me. I dont even want anyone looking for me. Coming home wouldnt be as fun.

I get tired of standing. I have to hang tight, stay strong, keep holding on...I want to let go and lie down for a while. When can I rest?

And all those stupid fucking people that tell me I may have another child! "You never know, you may fall in love one day." Thats whats wrong with this world...you dont have kids because you fall in love! You have kids to raise small people. It's so overfuckingrated.

Beer. Sex. Music. Money. Freedom. Thats all I want anymore. LOL...I sound like I want to be a rock star.

I just dont want to care anymore.

My Sunday...Defined

2005-10-02T14:34:00.000-04:00

Nuff Said.

I feel like shit today.

2005-10-01T14:01:00.000-04:00

Acutally, I've felt like shit all week. High allergy season 'round here. Wednesday I went into work, and left 30 minutes later.

Today, I woke up with the 4th day of a sore neck, and a pounding headache. I was supposed to go into work today too...I didn't. I am supposed to go to a party this afternoon, but I'm not sure I'll make it. I cannot get rid of this headache.

I hate being couch bound. Hate it. I keep trying to get up to do things, and keep getting couched.

MF brought over a 35" tv today. Holy shit, I had a 27", I didnt realize how much bigger 35" was. It's freaking HUGE compared to what I am used to.

So here I sit, on the couch...watching the Yankees....looking good for us so far!

Wish me well. I hate pain.

My man is a workaholic. A new challenge.

2005-09-28T11:18:00.000-04:00

I have known this for a long time, but it is becoming more and more clear just how serious it is.

MF is self employed, and quite successful. I am proud of him. He has built his business and reputation from the ground up all on his own. That is a very attractive quality he has. We are in similar fields so talking shop was one of the things that brought us together.

But now that our relationship has become more comfortable, he seems to be reverting to his old ways. He always told me he was a workaholic, but until the last few months, I didn't see it as much. He is also in the process of converting the main cash flow of his business from one trade to another.

There are pros and cons of being with a man with this type of a personality.

Pros & Cons
He spoils me bad. Really bad. He probably dropped a good 2 grand on my birthday (we had only been together 4 months), and is in the process of purchasing a new kitchen for me. This can be any girls dream, but it's hard to get through to this type of man that "things" don't always matter. When I attempted to reject his offering of a new bathroom, it caused our first disagreement. He felt I was rejecting him, all while I was trying to not take advantage of him.

He works every day. Every freaking day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Except when he has his kids. When I brought it up a month or so ago, he took notice, and began taking 2 Sundays off a month with me. I don't demand anything from him, but am honest with my feelings from time to time. I think what hit him hardest was when I said "No one ever lied on their death bed and said 'I wish I had worked more, I wish I had made more money'"

When he's not working, hes talking about work. Holy Fuck - he talks about work in his sleep!

It's funny, because in all my other relationships in life, with friends, or family...I have always been the work obsessed. Not even I can rival him.

So, I have put a lot of thought into this. I have come to the comclusion that this is his nature. This is who he is. I have also concluded that I will not ever try to change that. But, unfortunately, I am in love with him. Madly. Outside of this minor issue, he is an amazing person. Down to earth, hardworking, great morals, caring, loyal, and gorgeous. So there is a new challenge in my life. Learning to live with a workaholic, and not take it personally.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to do, and hardly sit at home wishing he were with me. I too work most Saturday's, at least for a few hours, and have my daughter and friends to keep me busy outside of that.

You know when it's hard to accept? You know when you experience something that amazes you, or makes you happy....and you wish you had someone there to share it with? That's when. Knowing I have an amazing man that I could be sharing it with...but...he's working.

That, my friends is my new challenge.

Kid meet #2 - A suprising success

2005-09-25T12:19:00.000-04:00

Wow. What a great day. We all went to another one of the local fall festivals. I've said it once, I'll say it again, I love the fall in NY. There is so much to do, the weather is ideal, and it's all a hop skip and a jump from home. Love it, love it, love it.

Kids got henna tattoos, played lots of games, ate lots of junk, and all in all had a great time. We all get slong so easily. I have to say, I am not a kid person but these three are just great kids. No arguing, no attitudes, no acting up...they are really close in age, so it works out quite perfectly.

There were the few odd moments where the girl told his son to keep looking at 'mom' while getting his tattoo (referring to me)...etc. but we all seemed to brush it off, and not care.

His daughter has become very comfortable with me. Laughing and joking and teasing with me. Even asking to ride in my car after we had gone back to get it before dinner. She also asked if she could sleep over next week. I told her maybe next month for Shae's birthday she could. She was happy with that.

MF even commented "Looks like [his daughter] has made a new buddy" I replied that that wasn't a bad thing. She really is a great kid, I never forced myself upon them.

Thing is, I haven't met their mother yet. Like many of you know, she knows about me, and has no problem with me, and me being around the kids, but I cannot expect her to allow a sleep over without meeting me, especially on one of "her" weekends. So...unfortunately I think that is going to have to happen soon.

I can admit, here, and here only that I am intimidated by her. She is beautiful. Perfect body, tall, thin blond, etc. Me...I'm average. I don't feel like being critiqued by her. In the bigger picture, I suppose its a small sacrifice.

Then there were the questions..."where is Shae's daddy?" I explained that he moved to FL with his family.

His son asked
"Why dont you guys sleep over tonight?"

I answered that there wasnt enough room.

He said
"Shae can sleep on the floor with a blanket, and you can sleep with daddy"

LOL..."maybe another time"

I am happy, and pleasantly surprised with the progression.

So far, so good.

Kid meet #2 - Birthday - Church

2005-09-24T11:45:00.000-04:00

Well, we are getting the kidlets together again today for Kid meet #2. Wish us luck.

They are now fully aware that we are together, as a couple, but seemed excited to get together today when he told them. Apparently they are quite fond of my daughter...who wouldn't be? ;)

This will be the first time we are just the 5 of us, with no one else. Should be interesting. It's amazing to watch this stuff progress. I'm glad I am blogging about it, so that I can one day look back to see how we got here.
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On another note, Shae's b-day is next month, shes turning 7. Holy crap, no idea how this happened. We are doing a bowling party, a sleepover and Chuck-E-Cheese with one select friend. It's going to be a busy weekend.

She is growing up so darn fast it's scary.

First spelling test - 104%
First math test - 100%
Math quiz - 100%

She is awesome. A brat...but awesome. We got her ears pierced this past week. She wanted it done, such a girly girl, but was quite nervous. She wimpered the entire time. I offered to back out about 6 times. Once we got home she said that she had been scared, but had to be brave because she told all of her friends that she was getting it done, and couldn't back out. Ah, peer pressure in 2nd grade. Lovely.

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Drove past that church again this a.m. The sign didn't last until Sunday. Apparently the overwhelming majority insisted they continue watching porn so the sign now reads...

"High blood pressure? Attend Church regularly"

LMAO...should have taken another picture...

I personally, believe in the big bang theory.

FRIDAY.

2005-09-23T07:38:00.000-04:00

Yes. Very happy about this.

How MF met my Mom.

2005-09-21T18:00:00.000-04:00

This post was inspired by the new television series (on CBS I think) titled "How I met your mother" and a recent post by Katehopeeden. Mind you, I know nothing about this show. I watch the Yankees, the Giants, and Law and Order....nothing else.

A little backround on my mother. She is a very intelligent and respectable woman, unless you are me. I know the scary sides of her, love her to death, have a hard time tolerating her though. So, my mother, in my eyes is a hypochondriac. One of her many diagnonis' is insomnia. Because of this she was taking sleeping pills which did not make her sleep well but rather made her more of a stumbling drunk. She would forget all conversations that occured after 9pm. Eyelids would fall to half mast, she would basically become a walking zombie on these pills.

Last year, before I bought my place, I was renting the apartment above my mother. At the same time, MF had been courting me for quite a few weeks. One night, while out at a club, he was ready to stop drinking because of his long drive home. I wasn't ready for him to stop drinking, so I told him he could crash on my couch seeing as I only lived a few blocks away. He had never been to my house before.

Soooo...we finished up the night and headed back to my place. My mother should have been sleeping at 4 am. Not that I cared, I lived in a separate apartment...ppfffffffffff....

Up we go...hanging out on my couch....chatting...he kissed me for the first time...blah blahzy blah... knock - knock at my front door! Who the !?

I compose myself...and go to the door...open it just enough to look out...

"What ma?!"

"I just wanted to make sure you were home ok"

"Yeah ma, I'm home. I'm ok."

"Ok,"

"Ma - You have got stop taking those pills! - Goodbye Ma!"

She then pushes past me and in the nicest drunken tone says -

"Introduce me to your friend"

Oh my god. Help me.

"Ma this is MF - MF this is my mother...now leave!"

Eventually she did. I was mortified. First time at my house, first kiss, first time meeting my mother. No good.

He still brings it up....he thought my mother was some kinda drug addict...lol...but has since come to love her like the rest of us.

That incident led me to buy my first home. I could not deal with living above her anymore, and refused to rent again, so all in all...it wasnt that bad. MF is still around, thank god, I own my home, and I think she has begun to lay off the sleeping pills.

Moral of the story...never live above your mother.....errr...or...my mother.

While I was driving this morning...

2005-09-20T12:09:00.000-04:00

I've heard bad things about chemo....

I've been tagged twice!

2005-09-17T08:26:00.000-04:00

This dirty little circle has got to break, anyone I would tag, has already been tagged. We are sharing tags, and that can just get nasty...

Songs I'm Fully Digging Right Now:
(My tastes are VERY diverse, and depend on my mood)

1) Lifehouse - You and Me
2) Mary J. Blige - anything old school Mary J.
3) Elton John - Your Song
4) Let me Hold You - Bow Wow ft. Omarion
5) Shakira - Tortura

7 Answers to 7 Questions

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Learn to ride a motorcyle.
2) Buy a motorcycle
3) Save enough money to have an awesome house without a huge mortgage
4) Get Licensed in my field
5) Watch my daughter become a well adjusted, independent, happy adult
6) Quit smoking for good...hopefully way before I die.
7) Have a bikini-worthy body again.

7 things I can do:
1) Design an entire house, from foundation rebar to roof vents...
2) Design a septic system...(the shit jobs)
3) Cook well- just finding that out
4) Make people laugh
5) Piss people off
6) Survive...no matter what has been thrown my way
7) Replace receptacles and light switches...

7 things I cannot do:
1) Uh..ride a motorcycle
2) Lie - no matter how hard I try.
3) Have another child..not for medical reasons...
4) Fall alseep on a couch
5) Take from anyone, even when someone wants to give to me.
6) Tolerate ignorance
7) Drive the speed limit

7 things that attract me to another person:
1) Stablitily
2) Intelligence
3) compassion...in a man is very rare..
4) honesty
5) sense of humor
6) strong work ethic
7) smile

7 things that I say most often:
1) Fuck
2) Fuck
3) Fuck
4) Fuck
5) Fuck
6) Fuck
7) Fuck me

(i'm not all that original)

7 celebrity crushes:
1) Kurt Warner - XQB for the Giants...still very sexy
2) there are many more...I just never watch TV or pay attention long enough to get their names...

7 bloggers I'm tagging:
You've all been tagged already...I wont subject you to it again...

Wow...this sucks...I'm 30 already...

2005-09-16T12:40:00.000-04:00

You Are 30 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Today I went to the grocery store...

2005-09-15T18:28:00.000-04:00

....where a middle aged man asked me for help picking out tomatoes...no sir..I will not help you pick out tomatoes...apparently he's more of a fruit person....

...on the way home, saw a pimped out Escalade parked outside the Salvation Army. Wish I had had my camera with me...

Who's to blame???? errrr...

2005-09-13T18:55:00.000-04:00

A search on MSN will turn up 1,560,825 results for "Who's to blame"

We as humans LOVE to blame someone, anyone, everyone for anything that we either

a) dont want to admit to
b) dont want to act upon
c) are uneducated about

Lemme tell ya...I dealt myself a pretty shitty hand of cards to start out my adult life with. Had a kid at 17 with a dirtbag. I knew he was less than worthy of fathering a child, I knew it, I wasnt stupidly in love with him. I fucked up. Like my Dad says, "The fucking you get for the fucking you got."

I don't blame him for the fact that I had to waitress tables everyday when I should have been in college, I dont blame him for the fact that my daughter barely knows her Daddy, or the fact that I am 20 lbs heavier than I would like to be at my ripe age of 24. I dont blame my mother for not being a better one. I dont blame my credit card company for my debt, I dont blame the fucking deer for running into my fucking car when it was 6 months old...

Shit happens, pick yourself up off the fucking ground and change it if you dont like it. If you cant change it, make the best of it. If you cant make the best of it, deal with it...suck it up, and stop fucking whining!

I am so fucking sick of talking about who's to blame.

So I told my neighbor....

2005-09-12T18:41:00.000-04:00

...that his rug....thing ..HAS GOT TO GO!

He said he plans to carpet the whole stoop...fuck....I hope he was kidding....

BTW- he brought me inside to see his new....yup...you guessed it....FUTON! Glad he's my downstairs neighbor....roflmao...

OMFG! Yoda...would you happen to be a funny looking Jamaican guy...in NY?

Come to think of it I thought that was a lightsaber in the corner...

Giants win, leftover Mexican...it's a good Monday so far...

2005-09-12T12:33:00.000-04:00

I love my lunch breaks. It is the one hour during the day that I get totally to myself.

Fortunately I live pretty close to work, so I come home, eat, sit on the compy...read...smoke...drink (diet soda of course...)...no one talking to me, no one asking me for stuff...no one can find me unless i let them. I don't. I rarely answer the phone, or invite anyone to come over. I love my lunch breaks.

Giants had their highest scoring opener last night in 34 yrs! Wow...that longer then I have been alive. It was a GREAT game. I hope the rest of the season goes just as well. THAT would be amazing.

You know, everyone talks shit about Mondays. I love 'em. Mondays fly by faster then any other day of the week. I seem to get the most accomplished as well. Fridays on the other hand drag.

One thing discouraged me today, on Monday, during my lunch break. Ya see...the neighbor below me, and I share a front stoop. It's not very large. Today I came home to see a yucky remnant peice of carpet outside his door. My dear friend, this is not decorating. This looks like trash you are waiting to take to the dumpster. The stoop was perfect without anything. So now, I think I will have to go buy one, and replace his. This is not the ghetto. Let's keep it that way.

So...that being said, I have to return to work. Busy day...busy week...wish I could put more time in at the office, but Shae needs me here. Duty calls...

Football Season. Is. Back.

2005-09-11T17:08:00.000-04:00

Let's go Giants!!!!

I'm a diehard.

Odd turn of events....

2005-09-11T08:13:00.000-04:00

First let me say..Phil...thanks for your kind words yesterday...but read on to see what took place yesterday...

Do you remember being a kid, struggling to do something...like untie a knot...and just as you give up...and yell out for help....just as your mom was making her way to you...you get it!

This happenend to me a lot...I assume it has everyone..

Well, that's kind of what happened yesterday...with my previous post...I had been taking the kid situaiton in stride...and just as I type it all out...things changed....

MF was at a festival w/ his kids yesterday. It was a gorgeous day...and I knew he wasnt staying long. So I sent him a text asking to let me know when he leaves, because I wanted to bring my daughter out to it. He called me and told me not to wait...to just join them. So I did, and like I said, his kids knew me as his friend. I didnt hang around them for too long, and went my own way w/ my daughter. Shortly afterwards, they joined up with us again, and the kids did sand art, and candy art, and got face painting.

It was pretty hot in the sun...and he had to go meet up with his sister, and asked up to come back to his house for a 1/2 hr or so. (which was in walking distance of the festival).

We went, and there he asked if we would please come along to his sisters, and to dinner, he felt it would be a nice ice breaker for the kids. I accepted.

We all had a very nice day. I limited my interaction with his kids, feeling out their comfort level first. I think they are now well aware that we are together. His son...who NEVER stops talking...asked when we had met...lol...his daughter who is older, and more aware of things said...

"We hang out with Jen and Shae a lot" (I'll have you know, I saw them New Yrs eve, 4th of July, and yesterday, Sept. 10th...lol)

So, I am hoping that today, they will ask him any questions that are bugging them, and he will handle them the right way.

I have been going back over some of our past conversations in my head, and in retrospect, I didn't realize that he was ready to move on the kid thing, but was more concerned about whether or not I was ready. That became clear to me yesterday.

While yesterday held no leaps and bounds, it was a very nice start. Perfect actually. I am looking forward to talking to him later to see how things went over with them.

My headache has subsided...

So much going on in my head...it's starting to hurt...

2005-09-10T10:37:00.000-04:00

Warning: I am going to randomly type here...it may bore you...it may annoy you...I apologize in advance...

MF (ManFriend, I hate the term boyfriend, so any BF's you see here usually mean best friend {Yoda}) anyway...MF and I are working on about 9 months now. He has 2 kids, I have one. My daughter knows him well as he practically lives with me the days that he doesn't have his kids.

I however have only met his kids twice. They do not know me as his GF (girlfriend) though. It was in group situations.

Ya see, we decided this together because when we met he was newly moved out of his previous marriage. The kids were still adjusting, and their mother can be pretty heartless. So someone had to care about their feelings. She ended up moving her boyfriend in just a few months after that. Yep.moving him IN! Anyway, I wont bash her here, that's not the point.

So now, MF and I have been talking about this. He feels that this winter we need to start getting involved with all the kids. They are all pretty close in age. He and I have been together long enough to know that this is not a fly by night relationship, and we have waited long enough to know that the time is coming...

We were highly respected by our friends and families for waiting, and caring about the kids more then seeing each other when he has them for a few days.

I am actually scared now. I have read a few things about blending families with kids, and there isn't much positive reading out there. We havent spoke of living together yet, but it may happen in the future, and I would like to be educated, and have some ideas ready to create a smooth transition.

I'm actually getting quite discouraged by everything I have come across. I dont want to be their "stepmom" I would prefer to be like the "cool aunt". Am I wearing rose colored glasses here?

I have one child, I dont want 3, thats for sure. I dont even want 2, but I love MF, and they are part of him. I would do anything to help him, including helping him care for his children.

I have been very patient, but there is a part of me that feels like this relationship isn't real until we have merged all major parts of out lives, the last one being his kids. Follow me? Is anyone reading this crap? I probably would have stopped 3 paragraphs ago....

Then theres the XW ("ex-wife"). She and I have not met. She knows about me, but I dont think that that transition can ever happen easily. I so dread that.

I need you all to know, that I have been very happily single for many yrs. Being a GF is very strange for me. I would have NEVER been with a man so soon after a divorce normally. He and I were very good friends for a few months, and things just happened between us. I went into this with plans for the worst, hoping for the best, and never expecting to still know him today. In September. Almost a yr after we met. Let alone have fallen head over heels in love. I've never been in love before, and I know that now.

Shit...so this weekend he has his kids again...and this is when I start to think about it. Again. I guess it's time for me to attack the subject head on. And make some plans. He needs to talk to them, and feel them out first for us. Wish me luck...and hopes that this Motrin heals my headache...

All my life's a circle...

2005-09-09T17:36:00.000-04:00

September again, back to school again, Fall is coming again, Friday again....

My father listened to a lot of Harry Chapin when I was younger. As a result, I know most of his songs by heart.

Ever wonder what makes a song stick with you for that many yrs. I can't remember all the beach boys songs my mother listened to but Harry Chapin sticks in my head.....Banana's, Cat's in the Cradle and All my lifes a circle being the 3 most prevalent. Odd if you ask me.

So Shae started school this week, 2nd grade and so far so good. I am so proud of her, she really is a dream child for the most part. I have it so easy with her. She does homework, is well behaved, and learns easliy. Not bragging...thanking some higher power....

So, here we are, Friday night again...on the computer...working OT tomorrow, and generally bored...Chicken Marsala Pizza in the oven...here I come....

"All my life's a circle, but I can't tell you why
Seasons spinning round again, the years keep rolling by

Seems like I've been here before, I can't remember when
But I've got this funny feeling, that we'll all get together again"

YODA!!!!

2005-09-06T20:06:00.000-04:00

I have been waiting very patiently....what DID you ever do with that cat???

My new T-Shirts...

2005-09-05T12:19:00.000-04:00

The first would read...

"I survived Labor Day weekend"

Ok, so the BBQ that I fretted about earlier went a lot smoother then I had expected, and I was able to call in the back up babysitter to extend my hours a bit. Very nice.

There were a few people I knew, and I ended up making friends with some of the guys anyhow. It was not as gender segregated as I feared.

Yesterday we did the Labor Day thing at my sisters house, and that was really nice and relaxing. As little as I see my family, I sure love it when we do get together. Nothing better then that feeling of belonging, and everything is ok. Shae played with her cousins, and we all hung out, drank beer, BBQ'd and did the bonfire last night.

Manfriend and I laid out under the stars. It was awesome to share that with someone. I love the way he just fits into my family so easliy.

The second T-shirt would read

"1.86"

I read an article on MSN yesterday that was based on single children. "Onlies" as some call them. Actually I lied, I skimmed through it quickly, because no matter how detrimental it may be to only have one, I am NOT having another.

What caught my attention was the "official census statistic" that most women have 1.86 children.

Interesting. So...what exactly would that .86 mean for me??? I'd like to think that the .86 stands for all the amazing sex that I have that never quite creates a whole human.

Perhaps the back would read

"I Heart my IUD"

Yep...I'm bored...think I'm going to find one more BBQ for this weekend...and back to school tomorrow!!!!

Nothing in common....

2005-09-02T19:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, so my manfriend is 10 yrs my senior. I love it, we have a ton in common. My life is far beyond the years of most men my age (thats what having a kid can do to you). We have very similar values and outlooks on life....blah blazay bla...

SOOO....tomorrow, I have to go to this freking BBQ with him, at one of his friends' house that I have never met before. I so do not want to go, but he wants me there, and I would want the same in return from him.

The problem? His friends are guys guys if you know what I mean. I fear that this party is going to be gender segregated, and I will end up forced into making conversation with a bunch of high maintenance, unemployed wives talking about their kids, their houses, their hubbys money, etc.

I have NOTHING in common with these women, and the last thing I want to do is hang all over my man, and never leave his side. Ugh....

So, I am going, but fortunately dont have a sitter past 8 tomorrow. So, that will be my out. I told him we could take separate cars if he wants to stay late.

I have a feeling this is going to be dreadful, and I am going to have to bite my tongue in order to not create more enemies for myself.

Help, please help me...

Thinking of getting my pistol permit...

2005-08-31T18:28:00.000-04:00

I'm becoming a woman in a mans world.

Oh man, I never realized what I was up against in this field. I have old men who do not respect me or my knowledge of the field trying to intimidate me.

They lure me into the woods, far from anyones earshot and then try to overpower my intelligence. It's scary. My budgets arent always large enough to bring someone with me either.

Perhaps I should refrain from doing my hair daily, and resort to jeans, work boots and any other butch looking garb I can get my hands on? Would that make them respect me???

If I were ugly would they respect me???

I breifly mentioned my fears to my boss (whom highly respects me), who suggested I get my pistol permit. When I mentioned this to my manfriend he agreed it would be a good idea and offered to go with me and get his.

So, it's looking like thats how I am going to roll now. A pistol packing, much more intelligent then you, bitch...with my hair done daily.

Bet you'll respect me now motherfucker....

Nah...It wont gain me respect, but at the least I may have some sense of security...

(((Sigh))) This is so stressful for me, I need to succeed, I need to find a happy medium...How do you earn the respect of your clients all while portraying a no bullshit attitude??? "I'm a girl, but I know what I am talking about and you don't."

Sorry Im just bitching...

Laziness..'It's just those rainy days..."

2005-08-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

When did I become so lazy? Shiiiiit...

Here I sit with all intentions of getting the house in tip top shape today to start the week, and I can't get motivated. I did clean the kitchen already, and the kit. & dining rm floors...and did a few loads of laundry that still need to be folded, but I just cant get going, and stay going.

Must be the weather. It's cloudy and rainy here today. Shae's coloring, and playing playstation. I'm here, at the computer reading blogs, reading articles...just surfing in boredom....

Speaking of blogs...angelic! where did yours go? It seems you have removed it. I hope everythings ok.

So, for lack of anything interesting flowing through my mind today I question you all....

Who, in your real life (the one off the computer) knows about and reads your blog???

So on that note...on with Sunday...on to Monday...very excited to get some new projects started at work this week...

It's just those rainy days
Spend a lifetime trying to wash away
Until the sun come out and shines again
Smile for me, smile for me

TGIF!

2005-08-26T12:22:00.000-04:00

Thats a cheesy title huh? I wonder how many other bloggers used that today....

Anyhow, I'm bored at work today. I did it. I made my way away from the prick I was working with, and so many are happy for me in the office. Now it's just a matter of getting enough projects to keep me busy. Next week I have a few field visits that should generate some work. Thats a good thing.

Anyway....the weekend will be here in a few hours. Tonight is movie night with Shae, and my sister is unexpectedly flying in. I cannot wait to see her and my little neice. I was supposed to go out to visit her this summer, but never made it, so this will be nice.

Other then that there is nothing all that interesting going on in my life right now. I got myself into a financial rut, and wont be out for a few more weeks, so I cant even shop right now...(((sigh)))

How's everyone else doing? Any great weekend plans???

Letting it all hang out....

2005-08-24T15:24:00.000-04:00

Fuck everyone.

Fuck work, Fuck life, fuck 'em all. In the past 24 hours I have let more people know how I feel about them.

Now if you knew me you wouldn't think twice about this. I am a pretty blunt and pretty fucking bold girl. So as I mentioned, this would not come as a suprise.

BUT...lately some people have really been pissing me off and for the sake of maintaining my oh-so-cool composure I have elected to keep my mouth shut. Ha, that can't last too long...

So now, I feel better, but you would be proud of me. I handled both situations with much class and professionalism. Got my point across all while leaving the enemy speechless.

Crazy - 4
Enemy - nada

On that note, I decided to bump out of work early. Didn't help that I ate french onion soup, a grilled cheese sandwich, french fries and my favorite Toll House ice cream sandwich for lunch today, and now have an upset stomach....ok..I feel good...but I am going to lay down....

Fare thee well fellow bloggers...until later...

August 21st...Wow...

2005-08-21T09:31:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe summer is almost over. Shae will be back in school in 2 weeks, the leaves will start to turn, a breeze will offer relief from the summers scorching sun, and AC will be retired until next year.

I love the Fall. It it my absolute favorite season of the year. I can remember Sept. 11 2001. It was the most beautiful, balmy Fall day in my memory. I can remember driving down a country road, in silence, watching the clouds, and being so emotionally overwhelmed that just 60 miles away choas was occuring. It was beyond my capabilities to imagine, and is forever burned in my memory.

This will be the first Fall we spend together. Hopefully we will be able to steal a weekend in the mountains at the height of the color season. I'm the last person anyone would consider a romantic, but there is nothing better then sitting in silence in the fresh air with someones company that you enjoy so much. Nothing better then taking in all the breathtaking views, and sharing them. Nothing better then knowing that he is enjoying your company just as much as you do his, and no words are needed.

Relationships are so tricky.

Life was so empty before you, life was so simple before you.

It's all so contradicting.

I want to rush in and have it all, but I don't want it to happen so fast. I want to tell you all my secrets, but don't want to lose the mystery. I want to see you every moment, but don't want to lose the rush of missing you. I want to say anything I want, but I love when you leave me speechless.

What a war of emotions that comes along with a relationship. I'm fighting myself, and no one else. So I am a girl. Dammit, I thought I was beyond this.

Fear. That's where I come back to all the time. You have given me nothing to fear, yet I get so scared sometimes. I'm entering the unknown, blindfolded. You're holding my hand but what if you let go? I can't slow down, I have no defense, if I fall, it's going to be a long, horrifying experience to get back up again. Don't let go, I need you now...

Quote of the day

2005-08-14T17:09:00.000-04:00

"Happiness isn't a destination; it's a means of traveling."

My Fortune

2005-08-13T19:32:00.000-04:00

Had Chinese food for dinner....

my fortune read...

"Work Hard and you will earn more"

Who knew Captain Obvious was of Chinese descent?

Moving on Up...

2005-08-13T14:11:00.000-04:00

Work.

I love my job. I love what I do. I am a residential designer for an engineering firm, to clear that up a bit, I design houses, additions, do site plans, septic designs (the shit jobs), some planning and zoning, etc.

I'm 80% engineer, 20% architect. The difference is in the creativity and the art of the job. I'm not an artist. I'm structure and systems. A professor in college once asked how a building made me feel. What the fuck? I know how it would feel if it fucking fell on me!

Anyway, I never did finish college. Got this job just over 2 yrs ago, as a drafter, not a designer. My motivation got me in design. The prick who headed up the small residential division of my firm wanted me. He saw my potential, knocked the other guy off, and took me in. Well, he is a prick. Everyday I am amazed at how someone can be so immature, and nasty. I can be nasty, but I know my limits in a professional office.

Yesterday, it took everything in me not to knock his teeth out with the heel of my boot. Some 2 hours and a headache later, I approached the partner I work under.

Yep, that was it. My turn motherfucker. I will now head up my own projects, less the prick. I will now be his equal, and when he finds out on Monday, the shit will hit the fan.

He fucked up, he taught me too much. I will now outshine him in any possible way I can. Maybe his fat ass will suffer a friendly cardiac arrest soon. Not that I wish him harm, but it is inevitable, between his unhealthy weight, and his inability to handle stress, he is doomed for some kind of break down.

So things are well, more money should be right around the corner too. I will prove myself first, then make the move on that.

Ha! You are the master of your own demise -- or success --

Stole this from Katehopeeden

2005-08-12T18:52:00.000-04:00

You scored as Sex God. You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place.

Sex God

93%

A Slave To BDSM

68%

A Romantic

43%

Virgin

25%

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com

Grand Scheme

2005-08-12T12:35:00.000-04:00

Happiness.

Happiness is defined differently by everyone. I think I have found my definition. Although days in and days out are defined by primary emotions, all in all I have found a state of real happiness in my life. You will never have everything perfect all at once in your life, but nonetheless you can have pure satisfaction.

Get past todays anger, yesterdays fear, tomorrows worry and look at it as a whole.

My child is picture perfect in my eyes. She is well behaved, well adjusted, a phenomenal student, very intelligent, and beautiful.

I have a career in a field that I only once dreamed of having, and it is moving forward, perhaps not as fast as I would like it, but faster then I could have imagined.

Financially I am comfortable. For the first time probably since I moved out of my parents house 7 yrs ago, I am financially stable. Could I make improvements? You always can.

My home. I own it! That was always a dream of mine. Who would have thought that such an impulsive purchase could turn out to be so lucrative? I pat myself on the back.

Me. I am me, and I am happy with me. I am happy with my emotional state, content with my looks, and all around proud of my accomplishments, and the personality that is me.

Love. I found it, NO, it found me. I wasn't looking for it, and rather then complete my life, it has done nothing but compliment it. What a great addition to me.

Fuck, I AM happy....

Random Musing of the day...of my life...

2005-08-11T17:20:00.000-04:00

"Fuck it" If you can't be real, you can't BE anything...

Change...changing...I hate change...

2005-08-10T17:45:00.000-04:00

Fear.

We had a really great conversation at dinner during our weekend away. Fear. Why are we both so scared yet so comfortable?

Fear of change. You fall for someone, share years with them, and all of a sudden, quite often inexplicably...they change. You thought you knew them, you thought your life was set, you thought you knew yourself. Then things change.

It is so scary, the potential for hurt is undeniable.

In all honesty, I don't even know how much more I can type on this issue, it leaves me nonplussed, and scared.

I'm in this now, it's too late to turn back.

The L bomb has dropped....

2005-08-05T10:07:00.000-04:00

Yep. It finally came down Wednesday night, it's been lingering for a while, I think we both knew it, and he finally let it fall.

That was what I needed. I don't know why, but it has given me this feeling of security that I was longing for. I cannot believe how much I have changed in the past 8 months. He brought out a side of me that I thought was long gone. I thought I had successfully killed. It hasn't made its way all the way out, but all in due time.

The L word is something huge to me. Something that is not to be said in the throws of passion early on in a relationship. Something that is not to be said unless you can honestly see yourself with that person for the rest of your life. I know that is a long time, but as far as I can comprehend, I want him there with me. My best friend, not just a gorgeous boyfriend, not just a great lover, not just a pretty thing on my arm. In all honesty he is my best friend. We can talk for hours, still. This has got to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I think of the word miracle sometimes, because sometimes I still find it so hard to believe that this can be true.

I love him, he loves me, how can that be? I just don't care anymore, I'm taking it and running. I will never, ever give this up. I could never hurt, or betray him. As scared as I am, I am in this, and I'm not going anywhere.

My god, I hope this never ends.

Yesterday was a good day.

2005-07-31T14:19:00.000-04:00

Took my darling child into the city yesterday to meet up with a friend and her daughter. We took the girls on the Circle Line, a 75 min. cruise leaving from 42nd street...out to the Statue of Liberty, and back again. I took tons of pics. You can see them here.

It was nice to spend a day with just the girls. I must say, I was amazed at how easy it was to bring Shae into the city. She is such a great child, and walking through Times Square at the height of tourist season with a 6 yr old can be nerve racking. But, it wasn't. We took the train, which to Shae is just as exciting as the rest of the trip. That little girl trecked for miles and was such a trooper. I am one lucky Mommy.

By the time I made it home, I was exhausted, and had to pee really bad. Ran up the stairs, dropped everything and made a right towards the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something strange on my dining room table. I knew exactly what it was and I was overcome with excitement. Oh my god, he didn't.

He had let himself into my house while I was out, and left two pictures on my table. They are framed art, 2 prints that I have been looking at online that would go perfectly in my house. I almost impulsively purchased them the other day, but decided to save my money for my long awaited weekend away with him that will finally be here in a few days.

He does this stuff, surprises me, and does things for me all the time. I am still not used to it though. I hope I never get used to it. I never want to come to expect these things from him, or lack appreciation. God, I hope this never ends.

Haven't seen him since Friday morning. I cannot wait until tonight...

So much anticipation...so much apprehension...so much....

Fuck.

2005-07-27T18:06:00.000-04:00

Why is it that you work so hard to be yourself, create yourself a life, and become who you want to be, you are strong, confidant, and just dont give a fuck about anyone. No one can hurt you. You made it that way.

My father said something to me once.

"The only ones who can hurt you are the ones you trust."

How fucking true is that??? So, I took that advice (along with "the fucking you get for the fucking you got") and chose to live by it. Meaning....no one was important to me. I was important, and my daughter was important. No one else ever gained that status. I love my siblings and my parents, and even my friends, but they were never let far enough in that they could hurt me. I could fight anyone out of my heart just by lighting a cigarette and saying "Fuck You." Then I was fine.

Then something changed. I let someone in. Fuck Me this time. Why did I do that? I'm still not too sure it was the right decision. It hasn't come back to bite me in the ass yet, but I fear every day that it might. So now, I live in fear, and I quit smoking. Fuck me.

I like the word fuck. I can use the word fuck like no one else sometimes, expressing any possible emotion with just that one word, in a sentence of its own. Never used the word love. I did, with my dear child, which to me is the only true meaning of unconditional love in this world.

Now the word love rings through my fucking head every day. There is no other word to explain how I feel about him. It's insane. I have never, ever longed for someone, and felt for someone what I feel for him. Never.

It's been 7 months now. I want him just as much, if not more then I did 7 months ago. Why did he make his way in? Why did I let him so easily? Fuck.

I'm complaining, but I think I am happier then I can recall in years. Maybe ever. He is a large part of that, but there is more to it. I have got myself, financially, professionally and mentally in a pretty sound position.

Fuck, life is good.