Just when I thought my life was getting boring...

my house almost burns down.

Tired....

...of work
...of dishes
...of paying bills
...of caring
...of ironing my fucking clothes every day
...of having to function after work..I just want to relax in sweats
...of eating take out
...of having dreams get delayed
...of the dirtbags I am surrounded by
...of waiting
...of turning the lights off
...of having to get up as soon as I sit down
...of wondering what the truth is
...of being there for everyone
...of no one being there for me
...of having to be the strong one
...of accomodating
...of typing

No idea what I am doing.

Sometimes I think I can do anything, I can handle anything. Right now, I don't.

I just realized something, with all the life experience I do have, I have very little in the area of relationships and love.

My 2 most serious relationships occured before I was ever legal to drink. My high school boyfriend whose heart I broke, and my daughters father, who I should have never been with to begin with.

After those 2, I went on hiatus, and when I returned I dated a lot. Met lots of men, but no one I ever really cared for much. I jumped out of every budding relationship before it got too serious. For good reason, with no regrets.

So, I reached a point with MF where I don't know what to do next. I don't know where to turn, what to say...or how to proceed.

We finished off the initial honeymoon stage, and settled into something of normalcy. That's great to a point, but I guess I wouldn't have minded staying googoo eyed a bit longer.

Now come the serious questions...why are we here? where are we going? are we headed in the same direction?

While our current comfort status is nice, I have this strong need to know about our future. Maybe it's hormonal...lol...being a female and all, and I have tried to fight it off, but I can't. I find myself getting angry that he can't read my mind.

So I always try to separate myself from a situation and look into it as a third person. What would I tell a friend if she came to me with the same issue?

I would say that there was nothing to worry about. Look at the big picture...if he didn't see a future with you, he would have never gotten you involved with his kids, introduced you to his ex-wife, PAID FOR YOUR KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY! (for no reason, I had the money)...he wouldn't be making a clear attempt to bond with your child...or inviting you to his family for thanksgiving...

There are so many signs that there is a future for us, but we haven't spoken any words. Sure, we both make references to the future, but nothing solid.

I feel like I need that something solid. Not a promise, or a schedule, just a knowledge that the desire is there.

Just for the record, I am not talking marriage here...I myself am not ready for that, although he is the only person I have ever allowed my mind to wonder about in that capacity....

I just need to know. Why is it when a girl brings this subject up it's like taboo. Like they are insecure or needy. It's not that. I am genuinely in love with this man. I can see myself spending forever with him, but I need to know that the feeling is mutual, because if it isn't, continuing on to figure that out could be devastating...how much deeper should I let myself go if I am only going to drown?

What should I do? I can't do the email thing, I need to talk to him, there is just never a right time, or place....and I get so scared...my heart pounds, my breath gets uneasy...I fear the worst...and I dont think I should...someone...please...help me....

Which dialect do you speak?

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English

40% Yankee

15% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

I liked this one better than the Yankee/Dixie one most of us have seen before...this was right on point with me...

Halloween 2005

Glad it's over with for another 12 months.

Friends come and go...or just go?

A few years ago I was blessed with a group of great girlfriends. I thought I was the richest person in the world to be surrounded by such a great group of friends.

So, why is it that today...if I want a night out with the girls there is no one left to call on? We have all gone our separate ways. We still keep in touch, but we are no longer a group, and all have responsibilities that prevent us from getting together any more.

There was myself, G, CH, and K for the most part, with a few others that lingered.

K moved to FL with a psycho boyfriend, ended up leaving him and moved to Vegas where she is living up the single life as a gorgeous blond.

G was a single mother like myself. We used to live across the street from each other, and it was perfect. We even worked together. Our daughters played, and by night it was Corona and wings on the porch with lots of BS talk going on. We would party our asses off together. The night always ended with the 2 of us drunk as shit, me picking her up off the dance floor and someone always got hurt...the stories will last forever. G found a 'man' and got married. I think she jumped into it because she was becoming bored and tired of the single life. They moved to the next town, and she had another baby. We still talk but have little left in common.

CH is my bestest friend in the world, and we couldn't be more different. CH grew up in a very strict Christian church. They have never had TV in their house, and you will never hear from her on a Sunday. She is a yr younger than me, and is still a virgin, and will be until marriage. However there is a lack of young, responsible, intelligent and fun people in this world, so when we met, we clicked. That was about 5 yrs ago.

She's still around, but isn't exactly the type to party with....what about just a cocktail and BS? She is great for that except...she has this boyfriend...who does not allow her to do anything. I mean, he does...but he will whine and cry and bitch about it for weeks after the fact. So, she has reserved herself to not doing anything without him. It sucks.

Then there is me. I think I am pretty much the same as always. I grew up some, and got a better job...but I can still have fun. I love MF...but sometimes, you need your girlfriends. Like today...I wish I had someone around to help me with my daughters party. Its just me this morning. MF had stuff to do, and he has to go get his kids. CH is in church...and no one else is left. I'm lonely and feeling bad for myself this a.m.

So...just go meet more friends right? Yeah...not that easy. That's probably largely my fault. I don't tolerate ignorance or lack of responsibility well. I have a hard time getting along with people who aren't like me. Which is most of the 20-something population.

That is probably why I am with a man 10 yrs my senior. I grew up too quick.

So make older friends! Not that easy either...older people...specifically those in their 30's are not quick to respect me. They have got to get to know me first. So that means they have to give me a chance. It also means I am quickly put on the defensive with new people.

This is not a new problem for me. It's been like this for a long time now. Try being a 24 yr old girl, and inspecting and critiquing the work of a man who's been in construction since I was a kid. Try going to a PTA meeting where they look at you like shit. Actually, the worst is when they ignore you...like you are not worthy of being there. What do I have in common with a bunch of married housewifes anyway...

Kate once mentioned that they look at her like that because she is single she wants to fuck their husbands...lol...I never thought of it this way...but is that what it is???

So...I need some new girlfriends...and don't know where to look anymore. Maybe I need to be more open minded about things, or get married and become a housewife to bond with the large majority.

God help me...

I need some new goals.

Life is full of challenges, and without them, it's boring.

Every now and then I accomplish everything on my list, and instead of feeling contented, I feel lost. I have been feeling that way a lot lately.

I know what I need to do next. I need to save some money, finish doing some things around my home, and hopefully get out of here within the next 3 years. I don't want to go far, but I have got to get my daughter out of this school district. It's sad, because this is where I went to school, so I am rooted here, but the district is just becoming such a mess. On top of it the quality of people here is only getting worse. I'm not real happy about the kids my daughter is in school with.

I also want to give her a home with a yard, and a safe place to play...while she's still young enough to play. Currently I own a condo. It's a nice place, but not where I want to live forever. It's more of an investment. There are some things going on here that have to potential to make me a min. of 50k on this place within the next few yrs. That will help big time when I try to buy a house. Worse case scenario I could rent this out for a while, and make a few bucks a month.

I don't really know what to do now though. What will appease me until then? Then there is the big question as to what is going to happen with MF. There is a good chance that by then, he and I will be living together. We haven't discussed it, and I don't really think it's time to discuss it yet. All in time.

So now that I just typed that all out...I'm feeling lost. I need a plan.

I'm going to scribble on some paper and see if I can make any sense of this...